The Worst Days of My Life

My journey with chronic pain

During a 72 hour pain flare.

The first time I experienced a degree of pain that made me think I couldn’t function I was on my way to catch a flight. I was planning on spending a weekend with my friend in LA and then catching another flight to Sydney to spend a month with my brother and my first time pregnant sister-in-law in their new home.

I sat curled up on my parents’ couch wondering if I could change my flight.

With the little energy I had, I tried to explain to my parents what I was feeling. It’s like a tension headache but it’s in these specific points in my jaw, my neck, and my head. It’s throbbing and radiating around all those areas.

I was also nauseous and unable to eat. I felt shaky, like I had the flu. I have no idea how I did it, but I made my way to the airport and boarded the plane. My nervous system was extremely overstimulated, and I survived by playing healing frequencies in my noise canceling headphones to tune out the energy in the airport.

I thought it was because I was clenching my teeth at night, but it didn’t add up. That was something I’d done every night since I was eleven. Why was it causing all of this pain now?

My first morning in LA and the pain was just as bad. I felt guilty because I was there to be having a great time with my friend but I was in pain. I felt pressure to be well to we could enjoy each other, and I was afraid that I would feel the same way in Australia.

I made it to Oz where I realized that much of the pain I was experiencing was myofascial. I found Human Garage and practiced myofascial release exercises. I thought they were finally going to be the thing that solved it for me. But it didn’t. I found relief for a couple of days and then the symptoms changed again.

On a hike in The Blue Mountains outside of Sydney, I suddenly felt shaky and was afraid I was going to pass out. At the bottom of the canyon I laid my body on a huge boulder and prayed to feel well enough to make it back to the car.

Another day we woke up to get coffee and have lunch with my sister’s parents, and I felt so shaky I couldn’t stand in line to wait for my coffee. I was confused, and honestly, I was embarrassed.

I didn’t understand why I wasn’t able to do simple things like standing, walking, and just generally feeling normal in my body.

Physically, it was rough, but emotionally it was even more difficult. I was getting tired of needing to communicate to others that I was unwell, feeling their disappointment for me layered on my own disappointment that I couldn’t enjoy the moment. I was confused about why this was happening and sad that it was impinging on my social life.

I didn’t know that those experiences were just the beginning.

Throughout 2023 my pain increased. What I called tension headaches began to increase in frequency. Sometimes I would wake up in the morning in pain and not feel better until late in the evening. Sometimes I would lose entire days in bed in pain. I was beyond the point of functioning through it. Powering through was not an option. All I knew to do was ride the wave.

It was a rough wave to ride. One beautiful summer Saturday I woke up with a tension headache looming overhead. I had plans to be out enjoying the day with a friend. I tried to do a meditation to sooth my nervous system and keep the pain at bay.

I failed.

I spent that day in bed in so much pain that listening to the birds chirping sent daggers through my system. I couldn’t sleep so I laid there for hours and hours thinking about what my life had become. I easily saw myself going down a path where I wasn’t able to work and had to move in with my my parents to survive. It was the last reality I wanted—one I knew came to fruition for many people suffering from mystery illnesses.

It was getting dark.

I wasn’t there (yet), but I told a friend that I completely understood why people in chronic pain would end their lives. It is a horrible way to live, and what made it even more difficult was not knowing what was causing it. I felt helpless, out of control, and in despair.

I have gone so deep into my internal world that I felt like I could handle anything life threw at me. This experience, however, was outside my realm of understanding. I felt confident I could work with my emotions, but managing emotions with unresolved debilitating physical pain was beyond my capacity.

I tried all the things I could imagine that would support me throughout this time. New modalities and devices I found that felt right to me were purchased and tried out including:

• Acupuncture 

• Psyche K 

• Inner family systems

• Breathwork 

• Information Medicine

• Massage 

• Myofascial Release Therapy

• Shakti Mat (Acupressure)

• Past Life Regression 

• Zok (ear pressure release device)

• I was chosen to receive 3 healing sessions at a Dr Joe Dispenza retreat (what a gift! But it didn’t work)

• Reiki

• Tui Na Massage 

• Cranio Sacral Therapy 

• Progressive Muscle Relaxation 

• High quality Magnesium and other supplements 

• Medical Intuitive session

Some of these wonderful modalities and experiences alleviated my pain, but often not for longer than a few minutes. None of these things changed anything significantly, and it’s because they weren’t addressing the root cause.

Finally, in October of 2023, I found Dr Sarno’s work, and I began the journey of understanding the root cause of my pain. When I read The MindBody Prescription I knew I was in the right place. Shortly after, on a weekend trip to New York City, I had another horrible tension headache and had to leave the city early. If my head wasn’t pounding so hard I would have cried.

I was experiencing so little pleasure from my life at this point that my inability to enjoy an anticipated trip was just defeating.

I knew I had the key in my hand, but the door wasn’t opening. These are the times I am especially grateful for my tenacity and intuitive development. A few days later I had Alan Gordon’s book, The Way Out, in my hand. This was my tangible tool to begin healing.

As soon as I fully understood what was happening within me and began to relate to my pain differently, my symptoms began to subside. The pain flares emerged, but I knew how to move through them and understood them in the greater tapestry of my healing journey.

Pain is a danger signal. It is, by nature, designed to make you unable to focus on anything else. Working and socializing while in pain is awful. Pain takes the joy out of life. I had many nights of just desperately wanting to be pain free to simply enjoy sitting on the couch and maybe reading a book. Through my own experiences I have so much more empathy for those who are living with chronic pain.

My journey has been to help people by sharing the wisdom I’ve gained through my lived experience. I’m so excited to share that I am now certified with the Pain Reprocessing Therapy Center and am taking on clients who are experiencing chronic pain.

For a limited time I am offering heavily discounted sessions as I begin this new practice. The first five clients to enroll will get the current discounted rate, and then it will increase. If you’re interested in working with me, learn more about Ease of Being here.